Overcoming Loneliness

Do you know what it’s like to experience loneliness, even though you’re connected with God and a ministry?
 
I did. And that’s when God led me to the founders and directors of NEWIM who took me under their wing, encouraged me, mentored me, and prayed my first book (Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs), into publication.
 
That was more than 25 years ago. And this week, my eighteenth book with Harvest House Publishers releases—The New Loneliness: Nurturing Meaningful Connections When You Feel Isolated. This book again includes a brief story of my desperation for spiritual mentors, and how God placed me in a room full of women who introduced me to the benefits of NEWIM.
 
People have always struggled with loneliness at one time or another. But now it’s far more persistent—due to increased technology, habits we developed from the COVID lockdowns, reliance on AI, and the convenience of looking online for not just essentials, but relationships and social connections too. I call this “the new loneliness” in which we now tend to look at screens more than faces, text more than talk, and conduct our business online rather than in person. The result? Fewer conversations. Even less transparency. Next to zero relationships. Loneliness.
 
Whether your loneliness is caused by your work or living circumstances, a ministry situation, a subconscious preference for internet rather than interpersonal connections, a misunderstanding or falling out with someone–or just feeling inadequate, unprepared, unsupported, or overwhelmed—you and I were never designed to live this way.
 
Jesus came to offer us purpose and life (John 10:10), not pain and loneliness. In close relationship with him, we can experience not only joy and contentment, but more fulfilling relationships with others as well.
 
How can you and I overcome this new type of loneliness? These three steps are a great start:

1. Reconnect with God

People will always let us down. That’s why we’ve got to constantly keep our eyes on Jesus. The more we know of his character the more we can trust him and the more readily we can extend trust toward others. Every day this week, repeat to yourself these three truths about God: “He is with me. He is for me. And he has a reason why I’m here.” Then commit to getting into his Word regularly and discovering more about who he is and what he’s capable of.

When you reconnect—or start to really connect—with God through his Word and a focus on his character, you’ll find your value in him, as well as the priority he set for your life—to love him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love others as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39). With a better understanding of who you are and why you were created, you will be more equipped to resolve whatever is causing your feelings of loneliness.

2. Re-evaluate your heart and hurts.

Have you surrendered to God your past hurts, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy—all which can interfere with enjoying healthy relationships? We are all wounded in some way and left with scars of betrayal, abandonment, broken relationships, insecurity, or wondering if we are really loved for who we are. These scars can mask longtime hurts we didn’t know we had, and keep us from developing deeper friendships with others. Sometimes, out of a fear of being hurt, we keep those who extend toward us at a distance, and thus it’s easier to text than talk or communicate via a screen rather than face to face. As you seek to better understand who you are in the light of God’s grace, forgiveness, and transformation, you can more easily trust those whom God brings your way and start developing more meaningful relationships with them. Start by asking God to take inventory of your heart and your hurts, while you remember he is the God who makes all things new—even you! (2 Corinthians 5:17).

3. Reach out to others in the body of Christ.

Who haven’t you connected with in a while because you’ve been so busy? Whose company did you once enjoy but the reconnection process is something you keep putting off? Do you have a trusted Christian friend you can talk with when your loneliness creeps in? When we look to our devices for guidance, distraction, or to fill that niche more than human touch and interaction, it can keep us from experiencing the peace and comfort God provides through our sisters in Christ. How long has it been since you’ve felt connected with a group of believers in a local church or through an organization like NEWIM? As you put yourself in the place, literally, where God can surround you with like-minded believers, you can grow spiritually and emotionally and not feel as lonely.
 
You don’t have to be a part of this culture’s new loneliness statistics. You can push through the hesitation to connect and find yourself equipped by the Lord to be a confident and compassionate follower of Jesus who can encourage, serve, and extend grace toward others in the kind of meaningful community God intended.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker, award-winning writer, and author of 18 books with Harvest House Publishers. She was the founding president of the Inland Empire Chapter of NEWIM in the mid-1990s and for the past several years has co-led the NEWIM Writers Getaway with author Kathy Collard Miller, happening April 1-2 in Three Rivers, CA.

To find out more about her books, speaking ministry, or coaching services for writers, see www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Cindi’s newest book, The New Loneliness, releases this week and will be the topic of NEWIM’s Reading Books with Friends discussion on May 4. Pre-order The New Loneliness with Amazon’s low-price guarantee

Anger Feels Powerful

Excerpted from Anger Management - Jesus Style.

Have you ever been likened to someone who is in no way similar to you? Have you ever been compared and considered worse than another person? How did you respond? Often, we feel angry and frustrated. We want to defend our good name and find a way to feel powerful, not powerless. When anger overwhelms us, we think we have the capability to correct the situation, but we realize after we calm down that nothing good was accomplished, and most often, the situation worsened.

Those situations are particularly difficult while serving in ministry. Women in our church or women’s group will point out how something should have been done differently. Or they gossip about us. Or maybe worse—or not—they tell us to our face the mistakes they think we made. Feelings of shame may overwhelm us, and we desperately want to reply with defensive words and tone. Our reputation and our image are endangered. Everything within us believes anger will communicate she is wrong, and we are right.

We can learn from Jesus, who suffered similar indiscretions and misunderstandings, how to be powerful yet in a godly way.

Let’s look at Matthew 27:20-23 to assess Jesus’s example.

“Now the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and destroy Jesus. The governor again said to them, ‘Which of the two do you want me to release for you?’ And they said, ‘Barabbas.’ Pilate said to them, ‘Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?’ They all said, ‘Let him be crucified!’ And he said, ‘Why? What evil has he done?’ But they shouted all the more, ‘Let him be crucified!’”

In this passage, Jesus is being compared with a murderer (Mark 15:7), Barabbas, a person who hurts others, who destroys lives. That evil man was chosen over perfect Jesus by an aroused crowd who cared nothing for right thinking. A man is chosen whose murderous ways will be released upon the community, while righteous Jesus goes to the cross an innocent man. Such shameful injustice. Yet even this is God’s gracious plan.

Here’s another aspect of this scene. The chief priests and the elders are mingling amongst the crowd and riling up the bystanders. They “persuaded the crowd.” They are whispering in their ears, agreeing with words supporting their disgusting desires. And if anyone is defending Jesus, the authorities argue with them, most likely throwing their spiritual “weight” around.

Jesus stands powerlessly (it appears) before the group, choosing most of the time to be silent. From our human perspective, our inability to defend ourselves is torturous. Especially for any of us with traumatic childhoods—and who hasn’t suffered from shameful trauma? Any grimaces toward us, looks of disgust, or scowls make us feel like we are on trial and powerless to force anyone to value us.

In our humanity, we may not even want someone to know the truth about us—because unlike Jesus, we are guilty. We deserve mean grimaces, disgust, scowls, and shame. We would rather be hidden than hear the words of our sinful choices.

Yet Jesus in different moments, chooses speaking up or being silent. You and I would feel powerless as things seem to get out of hand. And that can bring a feeling of shame. That shame might come from thinking if we are worthwhile someone would stand up to our defense. If we are valued, we will be listened to. If we are esteemed, someone will come alongside. Yet Jesus has strength to calmly obey his Father, because he trusts God to do the right thing.

Jesus knows it is inevitable he will die an agonizing death. Yet, the Father kindly gives him encouragement as Pilate’s wife has a dream about Jesus and tells her husband, “Have nothing to do with that righteous man” (Matthew 27:19). Someone is speaking up for him.

Jesus doesn’t require that encouragement to trust God’s will but the Father kindly prompts it. Have you seen God’s kindness when he supports you in some way? You might not even think you need it, but another’s words of truth about you still offer you a peek into God’s care for you and ability to follow through with the best ideas. Jesus believes his suffering has a purpose; therefore, he doesn’t need to angrily shout to the crowd about the truth. He has no shame to be shielded from. His Father knows the truth and is in control. That’s enough for Jesus. That truth can be enough for you and me.

That is exactly what you and I can be assured of for ourselves. If God wants to protect us, he can prompt someone to dream about us. If God wants something to happen for or against us, he can powerfully influence the thoughts and actions of others. The only power we really need is to reject the tantalizing suggestion of withdrawing our love, irritation, discontent, grumbling, complaining, or any other form of anger.

Let’s examine our hearts to see if shame surrounds us when we feel powerless. What message does powerlessness seem to say about us? How does feeling powerless seem dangerous to our humanity—physically, emotionally, spiritually, or sexually?

Asking those kinds of questions will help us identify what is really going on in our hearts and minds, and then we’ll be able to surrender our need for power to the only one who has all power.

Kathy Collard Miller is an award-winning, bestselling author of over 60 books including Anger Management—Jesus Style and No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom. She writes Christian Living books, women’s Bible studies, and Bible commentaries. She blogs and writes articles on trusting God more, God’s sovereignty, marriage, parenting, and knowing God in truth.

Along with being interviewed on The 700 Club, Kathy has been featured on hundreds of podcasts, and radio and television programs.

Kathy has spoken in over 30 US states and 9 foreign countries at women’s retreats, writing conferences, MOPS, and marriage seminars. She often writes and speaks with her husband, Larry, who she married in 1970. They have two children and two grandchildren and live in Boise, Idaho.

Kathy is a founding member of AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association) and is active in various writers’ groups like IdaHope Christian Writers and also Christian women’s ministries like NEWIM (Network of Evangelical Women in Ministry).

Connect with her. She would love to hear from you. She also would love to meet you and help you with your writing and speaking ministry at the NEWIM Writer’s Getaway. Take advantage of her free online e-book about writing at https://www.newim.org/writing-as-a-ministry-for-gods-glory.

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