There Is Never an Excuse for Abuse

I'm not sure now what I said. I don't remember what I did. Yet, I do remember the fear that instinctively drove me to the other side of the table. He was furious and the table was my only line of defense as he stood between me and the door. We'd been married only two months and it was a shock to realize he might actually want to hurt me. My heart was in my throat as my mind raced. What was I going to do?

Even though this signaled a beginning, the physical abuse didn't start until the next time he got angry. What I didn't realize in that moment, however, was that the stage had already been set. Control and manipulation had been camouflaged with charm and words of love. I was naïve and didn't understand the red flags enveloping me. So, I became a victim before the first punch was thrown.

Abuse by the Numbers

According to national statistics, abuse (whether physical, emotional, verbal, mental or sexual) happens to at least 20 people in America every minute. https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS It's an astounding number with domestic violence hotlines receiving 25,000 calls a day. That adds up to more than 10 million people in a year. The pandemic only made the numbers worse. If you've never been in an abusive situation, these numbers are hard to fathom.

Early signs pointing to an abuser are easy to miss. This is especially true for those who didn't experience abuse in their family of origin. For the most part, new relationships are typically nonthreatening. No one has ever had a date say to them, "I'll take you to dinner and hit you in the face." Instead, the abuser is on their best behavior. There's an initial intense attraction followed by long talks and fun dates. Falling in love happens so innocently. Potential abusive behaviors are completely hidden behind flattery and fascination. Only later do they explode from their hiding place to become cruel and dangerous.

This was my experience. When we met, I was immediately drawn to the confident, take-charge personality of my abuser. It was exciting to believe he only wanted to be with me. I confused control with love and was drawn to his wit and intelligence. When his anger would suddenly rage, the quick apologies kept me from recognizing it was a problem. I didn't even realize when things became all my fault and never his. It happened so subtly. Suddenly, I became the chief of his rescue squad as he played the victim. Making him happy became paramount and my own welfare took a distant second. In fact, I was never even in the race. The dark, down-hill slide toward physical violence got steeper, yet I never saw it coming.

Early Signs of Abuse are Hidden

And that is the problem. The person who is experiencing the abuse is drawn in so quickly, they don't know or don't see when the relationship became so unhealthy. If bruises and physical attacks happened at the start, women would not stick around. Unfortunately, the cycle is never obvious. A whirlwind romance holds reality in check until the woman is already heavily invested in a marriage or shared life. That's when the perfect dream becomes a nightmare.

Being physically assaulted by the one who claimed to love me was profoundly confusing. On one hand, the situation didn't seem to justify the response. On the other, the anger made me believe there had to be something so wrong with what I did. Otherwise, why would he be treating me so terribly? And God forbid I said anything in my own defense. This was another mine field that only made things worse. I learned very quickly to just keep my mouth shut and shed no tears. The fire of his fury burned hot but flamed out fast when I just let him rage.

There is no rhyme or reason with men who are batterers. They can come from all walks of life and economic status. Having a successful career, being involved in church, staying busy in their community, or even being a good provider has no bearing on their behavior where abuse is concerned. In fact, all of these externals make the disguise easier to maintain. This is another reason why friends and even family find it difficult to believe this great guy can be an abuser. All anyone sees is the life of the party, the hardworking volunteer or the beautiful house. Secretly, they may even believe the victim is bringing it on herself.

There are some common characteristics that lurk beneath the façade of even the cleverest batterer. Jealousy, possessiveness, control and rage are the weapons of choice. These abusers minimize their actions. Typically, they blame others for their own mistakes and choices, and are never willing to take responsibility for their actions. Too often, the abused woman falls down this rabbit hole by accepting it's her fault, not his. For many, there is an unrealistic hope they can stop the dangerous dance if they could only figure out how to move differently. Others may be so ashamed and humiliated, they keep quiet. Still others may put all their efforts into making sure no one suspects their perfect, little family really isn't perfect after all.

That was me. Because of my husband's vocation, I felt I could not jeopardize his position by telling anyone what was happening. I read any book I found on being the perfect wife and I played the part the best way I could. Eventually, the physical abuse diminished to a shove or a pinch. But the verbal and emotional assaults, the manipulation and control never stopped. Nothing I did, right or wrong, changed the situation. Periods of peace were laced with apprehension for the next eruption. It never occurred to me indirect wounds were being inflicted on my children as well.

Cycle of Abuse is Common

The common cycle of violence is nearly universal. External stressors (family issues, trouble at work, financial problems) build tension; the pressure finally explodes onto others (you and/or your children); the release creates a period of calm (usually accompanied by apologies, regret, charm and even gifts). But the victim doesn't relax and concentrates on doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace. Yet, nothing stops the progression of the cycle. Eventually it happens again and often increases in regularity and ruthlessness.

No matter how minor you believe the incidents to be, abuse is never okay. There is never an excuse for any abuse. The bruise, the shove into the wall, the pinch that drew blood is significant. The criticizing, embarrassing, shaming, blaming or bullying that goes along with the physical acts aren't trivial either. They are hurtful and humiliating. These words and actions are slowly but surely chipping away at your self-esteem, undermining your mental health and causing deep emotional wounds. The injuries may appear invisible on the outside but the damage to your heart is huge.

The Bible Calls Abuse Sinful

Many times, an abuser will work to justify their cruelty by claiming God’s Word as validation. With a few verses as proof, perpetrators claim a woman must obey her husband as the head of the home. In essence, by asserting male control it excuses their abuse. The problem is, however, they ignore the many other directives focused on the marriage relationship that denounces manipulation and control.

In reality, Scripture reproves abuse and neglect in all of its forms and vigorously condemns violence. God abhors and denounces violent behavior, which is evidence of sin that brings God’s judgment.  Because of violence, God destroyed the earth (Genesis 6:11-13).  The Lord’s soul hates “the one who loves violence” (Psalm 11:5).  The Book of Proverbs characterizes the violent as wicked (Proverbs 4:14-17) and treacherous. Abusers are instructed to stop the violence in Ephesians 4:31, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” And in 1 Peter 3:7, husbands are commanded to “be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Scripture makes it clear that God’s original design for marriage was a relationship of mutual support. When this is corrupted by domestic violence, it hurts the heart of God. God’s Word calls us to peace, not to abandonment, abuse or terror by our spouses.

The First Step Toward Healing

Realizing you are in an unhealthy relationship is one thing. Knowing what to do is entirely another. The struggle is real. Feeling trapped and demeaned is paralyzing. One step you can take toward freedom is to read, research and become informed. The Mayo Clinic has published information that is extremely informative and helpful. You can find it at https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence/art-20048397 This is just one of many websites offering information.

Try to be honest with yourself about what's really happening in your situation. Don't minimize the episodes. There is a reason it hurts and there is a reason you feel horrible about it. And, don't blame yourself. No matter how often you are told it's all your fault, it really isn't. No matter how many times you are told to just “put up with it,” you don’t have to. This is a key strategy for an abuser. To remain in control, he will never take responsibility for his actions and will always blame you.

The journey for those in an abusive relationship is challenging. From recognizing the patterns of domestic violence, deciding to do something about it, to healing and moving on is not easy. Making a plan can help. At www.helpguide.org, there is excellent information to give you some direction to take toward freedom. The key is to take one step at a time. Don't pressure yourself to do it all at once. Make sure you have a clear understanding of what you're up against. Move forward safely.

If you decide to get out, keep in mind that divorce does not end the trauma. The wounds from domestic violence, whether physical, emotional or verbal run deep and so do the scars. You may struggle with scary and painful memories, fluctuating emotions, or a sense that you are still in danger. Your ability to trust may also be profoundly impacted. The affects aren't always tangible, but they are very real. However, your life does not have to always be defined by them.

Decide to Try

The best gift you can give yourself is the permission to try. Move slowly and carefully, thinking through and choosing solutions that are safe and doable for your situation. There are many wonderful organizations that have trained professionals who are ready to help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good place to start. https://www.thehotline.org/ Don't allow fear to keep you from reaching out. No matter what you feel, you are not alone.

Disclaimer

NEWIM does not provide professional counseling advice. You may need to hire a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling to help you through this time. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional services or care.

What Does the Bible Say About Domestic Violence?

When someone says the words “domestic violence,” most of the time it suggests the image of a battered wife in an impoverished neighborhood. That is not entirely wrong. Yet, abuse happens in many forms, to many women of all races and financial status. Even more difficult to realize, however, is that domestic abuse also occurs in the homes of Christians, as well as pastors and lay leaders.

Domestic violence is defined as an act, or threatened act of violence upon someone with whom the perpetrator is or has previously been in an intimate relationship. This indicates physical injury, but also includes emotional/psychological, sexual, financial, spiritual, or cyber/digital abuse. All forms of domestic abuse are harmful and can have a long-term impact on the victims.

What is most disturbing, however, is that abuse is often perpetrated by Christians in “Christian” families. And too often Christian women suffer in silence because the church fails to appropriately address the issue. While the main offenders of abuse are husbands, it is important to note that men can also be domestic abuse victims. Whenever an individual is abused, it is a serious violation of one’s God-given personhood and human right to freedom.

The tragedy of domestic violence is well-documented within police departments, counseling offices, and national organizations. But the one place it is ignored and denied is within the place that’s supposed to be safest—the church. There are several misconceptions which keep church leaders from addressing the problem and protecting the victims.

Misconceptions About Domestic Violence

• Domestic violence doesn’t happen in Christian homes: It is an unfortunate reality that most Christians look great on the outside while hiding dark truths inside. No one wants to believe the well-respected church leader is in fact treating his wife, and even his children, in such a sinful way. Yet, the struggle is real for these women who are verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abused by husbands who promised to honor and cherish them. Worst yet, some of them use the cover of the Bible to validate their behavior.

• Submitting would solve the problem: Women who seek counsel from their pastors unfortunately are often subjected to more guilt and shaming. Misusing passages like Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:1-6 or Titus 2:3-5, they encourage these victimized wives to submit, to pray more, to have a quiet spirit and just obey. While these methods could work in a healthy relationship, submission to an abuser just gives him permission to abuse further. By only affirming a man’s role as the head of a home without addressing the sin, it gives him the authority to have control and actually sanctions the abusive behavior.

• It’s always the woman’s fault: This misconception is a natural segue from submitting. There is an unspoken belief that if a woman is experiencing abuse, it’s most likely because she isn’t being a good Christian wife. The blame game started in Genesis 3:12 when Adam blamed Eve (and even God) for his choice of eating the fruit. Telling women to just “give him more sex,” lose weight,” or even just to “pray more,” is not addressing the offender’s sin.

• It’s not really abuse if there are no bruises: For some reason, church leaders do not consider name calling, shaming, criticizing, controlling the finances, or even forcing a wife to have sex as abusive. Counseling a woman to accept these behaviors as “okay” is only going to encourage her abuser to escalate to more violence.

• If an abuser says they are sorry, they should be forgiven and the relationship reconciled: Unfortunately, women statistically return to a destructive relationship over seven times before they leave for good. These women are often suffering psychologically and exhibit signs of PTSD. Too often pastors urge women to accept an apology when offered without discussing the evidence of true remorse. Forgiveness can help the victim release bitterness, but reconciliation without repentance can put the women right back into a dangerous situation.

• The Bible doesn’t really address domestic violence for Christians: This is the last and worst misconception church leaders often have when it comes to domestic violence. And, if you’ve skimmed through the Bible, especially the Old Testament, it is hard to ignore the stories of brutality, rape, war, and unhealthy relationships. Yet, there are plenty of places in God’s Word where domestic violence is addressed. Unfortunately, many church leaders either ignore the truth or are unwilling to address the issues in a wise and competent way.

What The Bible Says about Domestic Violence

Often sermons about marriage start by quoting Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  This early Biblical passage clearly forms the foundation for the Bible’s understanding of marriage. However, it is very important to understand how the sin of Adam and Eve impacted God’s ideal for the relationship he created.

The moment Adam and Eve sinned, God’s creation for the marriage relationship was corrupted. One minute in time, one act of disobedience and the trajectory of God’s plan for this world was changed forever. And the impact has never been felt more than in marriage relationships then and now.

God intended for the marriage relationship to have security, trust, oneness, peace, kindness, and partnership. Instead, marriages are wracked with insecurity, suspicion, division, strife and a “me first” attitude. Why? The answer is sin. Narcissism, alcohol addiction, abandonment, anger, deviant behavior, and abuse run rampant. This was never God’s plan.

The Bible views all violence as an offense against God. Time and again it is associated with wickedness and denounced as “detestable to the Lord.” Psalm 11:5 indicates, “The LORD tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.” Several other passages in the Bible make it clear that God strongly condemns abuse and taking advantage of others. (Psalm 73:6; Romans 1:28-31; Exodus 22:22; Isaiah 10:2)

One of the most helpful passages in the Bible that describes behaviors often seen in domestic violence is Galatians 5:19-21, “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The sins listed in these verses can absolutely relate to domestic violence.

• Jealousy. Progressive jealous behavior is often one of the first warning signs of an abusive personality. At first it may be excused as love and caring, but it can quickly become a form of abusive control and coercion.

• Fits of Rage. An abuser's rage can effectively intimidate and control his partner and children. By being scary and threatening, he can have his way.

• Discord and Dissensions. Even in the absence of physical abuse, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse destroys relationships and homes.

• Drunkenness. Though alcohol and drug abuse are not always the cause of domestic violence, they are frequently present in that situation. An abuser may use them as an excuse for battering, claiming the addiction "made him out of control." 

• Selfishness. Abusers are often self-centered and narcissistic (lover of self).

• Sexual Immorality, Impurity and Debauchery. Sexual abuse is frequently found in domestically violent relationships. Abusers may also have "affairs" or engage in pornography due to an accompanying sexual addiction or a desire to hurt and demean their partner.

Another place the Bible addresses abuse is found in Colossians 3:8., “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips”. This verse addresses physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. The Greek word here for malice means “DESIRE TO INJURE.” If you should rid yourself of even the desire to injure, it goes without saying that injuring someone (physically, emotionally, verbally) should also be stopped. Not only this, but if you are living with someone exhibiting this behavior, Scripture indicates we can confront them and then remove ourselves from the situation if necessary.

Proverbs 3:19 (and Matthew 18:15) encourages us to speak up. “Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." In an unhealthy marriage (one where there is extreme issues) you may be the one who is poor and needy so you can certainly stand up for yourself. Then in Leviticus 19:17, we find: " ……. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.” The Hebrew word here for “neighbor” means relation, neighbor, or associate. Thus, it can absolutely apply to a spouse and encourages confrontation.

The most important way the Bible addresses abuse can be found in John 13:34. God commands us to “love one another.” Abuse disregards others and is the opposite of this command. This is further explained in Ephesians 5:1-2: “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Nowhere in any circumstance is domestic violence or abuse loving someone as God loved us.

So how should a Christian respond? First and foremost, call abuse for what it is: SIN. Then, stop giving in to it. When the apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders in 2 Corinthians, he told the believers not to put up with it (2 Cor. 11:20). And in Romans 12:21 he says to not be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good. Both situations can unquestionably apply to being a victim of domestic violence and abuse. And, Paul’s advice is the right response in addressing it.

The following biblical guidelines will help you respond correctly to the victims of domestic violence.

• Proverbs 27:12 indicates it is right to protect yourself from violent people. Even David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him; the angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him, and Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him.

• Ephesians 5:11 says it is good to expose the abuser. Bringing evil deeds into the light is the only way to hold the abuser accountable and get help for the victim.

• Matthew 18:15-17 says we are to speak the truth in love. When someone grievously sins against us and will not listen, it is good to bring the matter before wise counsel for additional support and accountability.

• Galatians 6:7 indicates what we sow, we reap. One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences, and those who are violent must experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior. A person who uses violence at home does so because he gets away with it. Don't let that happen. (Prov. 19:19).

• In Acts 22:24-29, Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated. God has put civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse. Don’t hesitate to get local law authorities involved when you are in danger.

It is very important that domestic violence be recognized and dealt with as sin. This behavior hurts the heart of God. The family, especially the marriage relationship, is meant to reflect God’s love for us. He is absolutely concerned for the victims of any type of abuse and addresses it in his Word. Christians must not ignore this evil and stand up against it.

Disclaimer

NEWIM does not provide legal or counseling advice. You may need to seek a professional and competent attorney who is well-versed in family law to provide advice for your specific case. You may also need to seek a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes.