For Women Married to Pastors

Many of us have crazy stories to tell about serving in the church. It’s good to know that we aren’t alone. Being married to a pastor is a life that will encompass some of the richest blessings and also some of the most hurtful lows. But God’s got us. When we stand before him we will testify with the godly saints of old that he provided a way and redeemed all of it for his glory. And that will be enough.

Do You Need Some Time Away with Jesus?

NEWIM’s retreats for women who are pastors’ wives are held in the fall and spring and bring together a small group of women (less than 10) for encouragement. These retreats are “safe”—offering women the rare opportunity to step out of their leadership roles and simply be who they are with peers. Click on the link to learn more about retreats held in Southern Cal or Northern Cal. They are designed specifically for you.

At NEWIM’s Springs Retreats, women share their meals with a small group and have the opportunity to pray together. If you note on the registration form that you are married to a pastor, or are a pastor, CEO of a non-profit, or on staff at a church, you’ll be assigned to a group with other women who are in a similar role. This, too, provides an opportunity to develop safe connections with peers. Join other pastors’ wives for meals and prayer while you retreat at The Springs in California and Georgia. Scholarships are available.

Feeling Challenged? You aren't Alone

Current research shows that many pastors’ wives are experiencing some level of isolation. It's hard to trust others. The challenges are real.

• 69% agree “I have very few people I can confide in about the really important matters in my life.”

• 56% agree “There are too few relationships in my life that make me feel emotionally connected with others.”

• 50% agree “I am not willing to confide in others at church about personal things because my confidence has been betrayed too many times.”

• 49% agree “If I were honest at church about my prayer needs, they would just become gossip.”

• 55% agree “There are not enough relationships in our lives where we feel we can be ourselves.”

• 51% agree “We have experienced personal attacks at this church.”

• 49% agree “I still feel the hurt from previous conflicts in ministry.”

Any of these challenges ring true?

The life of being married to a pastor can feel like you are living in a fishbowl. 10 Things the Woman Married to Your Pastor Wants You to Know is written to people in the church and expresses the challenges many women married to pastors face. If you’re not married to a pastor but would like to support women who are, share this article. You could also nominate a pastor’s wife for NEWIM’s Pastors’ Wives Retreats.

Reach Out

If you are married to a pastor and you would like to talk with someone who will listen and pray, call us: (408) 218-8225.

NEWIM offers Confidential Prayer. If you would like to share a prayer request, you can email us: Prayer@newim.org.

If you’d like the support of other women who are married to pastors, join Good Pastor’s Wife Facebook Group.

If you’d like to join a small group of women for confidential prayer via zoom, email us for the link: Prayer@newim.org

Developing Safe Connections

NEWIM women "get it."  We've experienced the isolation and personal attacks and betrayals that accompany ministry, too.

Getting together with women who are also in ministry, but who are outside of your church community is life-giving. It creates the context to develop trusted friendships with others. There is a real need for women to be with others who can identify, understand and create meaningful connections and friendships.

All of our retreats are designed to provide safe places for women in ministry, opportunities to get to know others in the same ministry role, opportunities to share and pray without the fear of becoming gossip, opportunities for us to be ourselves without having to worry. Trusted friendships with other NEWIM women have been a lifeline for those of us who serve in ministry.

You don't have to be alone. Come to one of our retreats for women married to pastors as our guest. Deepen your love for Jesus at a Springs Retreat (scholarships are available—just send an email to info@newim.org). Participate in an online book club. Sign up for the NEWIM-Fuller Spiritual Formation Cohort. Attend a local small group gathering. Reach out for confidential prayer support. Call us. We'll help you get connected.

Every woman in ministry needs other women who have her back!

Practical Advice from J. P. Moreland

Listen to an interview with Dr. J. P. Moreland (Distinguished Professor of Philosophy, Talbot) talking about how he found real help through contemplative prayer to help him through very dark times of anxiety and depression: LISTEN TO THE PODCAST Dr. Moreland shares his journey in his book, Finding Quiet. Here’s a snippet from the conversation:

Q: What would you say to someone listening who is really struggling with anxiety and maybe has some self-condemnation or shame?

Remember that Peter says that there are brothers and sisters all over the world who are going through the same things and that you’re not alone.

If this is a hard thing to handle, why not go to a Christian therapist and get some Christian counseling; go to a psychiatrist (rather than a GP) and consider getting a little help with meds until you get over the hump.

And begin sharing what you’re experiencing with trusted people so that you have a place to share it to get it off your chest.

And then begin some of these simple practices. Guilt and shame are not needed. I don’t think Christians should ever feel guilt or shame because Romans 8:1 says “there is no condemnation,” and Colossians says that what we’ve done, “our certificate of debt, was nailed to the cross.” We should feel something else, and that is godly sorrow. The difference is that shame and guilt are self-oriented and self-condemnatory and put me down. Godly sorrow is a form of sadness that draws me toward the Lord where I can acknowledge things and agree with God. It moves me toward the Lord and creates a hunger to conform to the way he is and continue on the journey rather than beating myself up…LISTEN TO THE Podcast

Practical Advice from Dr. John Townsend 

According to the research of Dr. John Townsend, part of the challenge of being in a position of leadership is that the people we spend time with are not fueling us. Instead of relationships bringing us life and energy, they are draining. In a conversation with Carey Nieuwhof, (Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast #286), Dr. Townsend unpacks insight from his new book, People Fuel that shows us how to evaluate why we are feeling depleted and overwhelmed and then he provides very concrete ways to say No to people who are draining us, and to develop relationships that will bring us life and help us be our best. If you don’t have time to listen to the whole podcast, CLICK to download an 8-page .pdf excerpt of the podcast that Luann Budd created from the transcript.

Resources and Helpful Links to Other Organizations

Good Pastor’s Wife Facebook Group - A Facebook Group just for women married to pastors moderated by Kristy Howard. It’s a great group to reach out to for advice and encouragement. You will need to search for the group and then request to join.

Just Between Us. Just Between Us was founded by Jill Briscoe and began as a ministry just for pastors’ wives but is now a ministry for all women who are serving in ministry. They continue to have resources for women married to pastors on their website.

Leading and Loving it. See their Equip Tool Box page for many links, include specific links for women married to pastors. https://leadingandlovingit.com/equip/equiptoolboxes/

Live Free Wives is a supportive community for women impacted by sexual betrayal and infidelity.

Flourishing in Ministry

How can ministry couples, who often operate under constrained resources, pour their hearts into their work while still experiencing personal fulfillment and continuous growth?

Flourishing in Ministry, a resource from BIOLA University’s Rosemead School of Psychology, offers coaching and resources to build resiliency in ministry couples. Flourishing in Ministry is an initiative that puts the spotlight on the wellbeing of pastors and their loved ones. Drawing on more than five thousand surveys and three hundred in-depth interviews with clergy across denominations, ages, races, genders, and years of practice in ministry, researchers have discerned key strategies for flourishing that can be practiced at any stage in ministry. Learn more in Matt Bloom’s book: Flourishing in Ministry: How to Cultivate Clergy Wellbeing.

In some clergy marriages, the spouse is not flourishing as much as the pastor to whom they are married. The researchers are convinced it is more difficult psychologically to be the spouse of a pastor than to be the pastor. In part, this is because spouses have all of the expectations and isolation, but very little status, compensation, or control. Spouses are in a position of helplessness that can lead to depression.

We all know ministry can be hard. We've all heard the statistics about the challenges people on staff at churches face. We need each other. We can't fix difficult situations for each other, but just knowing that someone else is walking with us through it, can make all of the difference.

It will take a minute or so for the Flourishing in Ministry link to open.

https://flourishinginministry.org/research

Additional Research

Thriving Holistically as a Woman Married to a Minister: A Spiritual Formation Model to Support Women in the United States in the Role of Pastor's Wife - a DMin Dissertation by Elisa Renae Ashley, 2020.

More Statistics Regarding Clergy from the Soul Care Institute

STRESS

• 75% report being “extremely stressed” or “highly stressed”

• 90% work between 55 to 75 hours per week

• 78% were forced to resign from their church (63% at least twice), most commonly because of church conflict

• 65% feel their family lives in a glass house

EMOTIONAL HEALTH

• 70% have lower self-esteem now than when they entered ministry

• 50% feel so discouraged that they would leave their ministry if they could, but can’t find another job

• 41% display anger problems in marriage (reported by the spouse)

SOUL CARE & TRAINING

• 70% do not have someone they consider a close friend

• 72% only study the Bible when preparing for sermons or lessons

• 21% spend less than 15 minutes a day in prayer (39 minutes per day is average)

• 31% do not exercise at all (37% exercise at least three days a week)

• 44% do not take a regular day off

• 85% have never taken a Sabbatical

• 90% say they have not received adequate training to meet the demands of ministry

PASTORS’ WIVES

• 80% wish their spouse would choose another profession

• 80% feel left out and unappreciated by church members

• 56% say they have no close friends in the church

• 84% feel unqualified and discouraged in their roles

• 60% expressed the need to further their training so they could serve better

SOME GOOD NEWS!

• 78% if they had to do it over again would still choose to be a pastor

• 57% are happy and fulfilled as a pastor

• 56% of pastors' families feel their church is in sync with their family needs