The Guilt And Shame Of Divorce

Divorce. A hated word and an excruciating process that can leave you feeling worthless, abandoned and alone. The hurt dives deep and slowly chips away at your soul.  Unfortunately, those around you who haven't been through a divorce are often simply oblivious to the weight you feel. Yet, being oblivious doesn’t seem to stop them from having an opinion when the word "divorce" is mentioned. Oh sure, they may genuinely feel sorry for it happening.  But in secret, they may whisper criticisms like:  "Why couldn't they make it work?" Or, "Why did they give up so easily?" Unfortunately, the judgment and disapproval come quickly, but sympathy and understanding are slow to show up.

The Christian culture can be even worse. Some believe divorce is a permanent stain like a scarlet letter. Others may think you sinned even if it wasn’t your fault. And still others may misquote Scripture, leaving you feeling God has abandoned you like everyone else. With waves of condemnation crashing into your life, guilt and shame overwhelm your devastated heart. It’s only a matter of time until you are drowning in self-doubt and allowing your life to be defined by things that aren’t true.

Why Guilt?

When it comes to divorce, guilt usually stems from feeling you personally did not fulfill a promise or didn't do enough to make the marriage work. You can feel guilty about disappointing yourself, your family and even God. Perhaps in hindsight there were red flags about this relationship you ignored. Or, you feel guilty because you didn’t heed the warning signs. There are so many reasons for “divorce guilt” that it is impossible to list them all.  No matter the cause, guilt is often part of the process and can fill you with regret and “what ifs?” Feeling guilty can be part of the process but becomes a problem if it is consuming. 

The truth is, guilt doesn’t have to be a useless emotion.  It can prompt you to start a healthy process of reexamining your past choices and decisions. Think back to the time prior to your marriage; look over what happened during the time of dating, and then examine your marriage relationship. Instead of focusing on the negatives, allow this information to motivate you to heal properly and move forward.

Where Does Shame Come From?

Shame is another feeling that is associated with divorce.  However, it is very different from feeling guilty. Where guilt is based on believing we've done something bad, shame is thinking we are bad. Feeling embarrassed or humiliated can come from the idea you did something disgraceful or immoral. And this is an idea that can be fostered in some communities, families, and Christian circles.

Too often, divorced people are subjected to external shaming because others feel a traditional moral code has been broken. Or perhaps, that it is always wrong in God's eyes. So, instead of a helping healing hand, there is scorn, contempt, and judgment.  Some may even fear divorce is contagious.  Subsequently, you absorb the external shame and internalize it. Shame is one of the most powerful emotions you can feel. It can cause you to sever relationships, sink into depression, fuel an addiction or eating disorder, and even lead to suicide.

Jesus, Guilt and Shame

Self-judgment can create many obstacles to healing. Battling condemnation and feeling your choice was happiness over holiness or weakness over-commitment is to misunderstand God's grace. His love and mercy are demonstrated best in the story of Jesus' interaction with the woman at the well.

In John 4, we're told Jesus was traveling through Samaria on the way to Galilee. This was very significant, even before his interaction later. That area was like the "wrong side of town" in our world today. Samaritans were a mixed race, part Jew and part Gentile, so neither culture respected them. Thus, the contempt was mutual. And yet, here was Jesus (a Jew) taking time to rest in a place other Jews would avoid like the plague.

It was around noon and Jesus was waiting by the well for the disciples to return with food. That's when the Samaritan woman came to get water. Again, this was very unusual. Historical traditions of that time tell us women typically went to draw water in groups, in the morning. The fact that she was by herself in the middle of the day indicated she was not just an outcast to the Jewish community. Most likely she was considered or treated like an outsider in her own town.

As we read further, we find out some interesting facts about the woman. This was her routine, to come to the well at this time of day. She had been married more than once, and was currently living with her boyfriend. If anyone was hiding in shame, this woman had it written all over her life. Still, here was Jesus, the Son of God, intentionally meeting her on her terms. Did he condemn her? Did he treat her with contempt? Did he turn away with scorn? No, he asked her for a drink of water.

Their conversation took off from there and culminated in this woman's salvation and a life change she could never have imagined. This interaction is extremely important for those wounded by divorce to understand. Jesus knew all about the woman before she took one step toward the well. Yet, he did not shame her or pile on the guilt. What she had done or how she was living did not matter. He loved and pursued her. And that is how Jesus sees everyone: no stereotypes, or prejudices, whether you have been divorced or not.

The Lesson to Learn

The lesson for anyone who has experienced a divorce is to know God sees us through the eyes of his Son. He does not ignore the painful, broken parts of our lives when healing and restoring our ravaged hearts. While it is unfortunate some Christians nurse those biases and draw spiritual lines in the sand, Jesus invites us to allow him to mend our shattered soul.

Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In the aftermath of pain, hurt, guilt and shame, it becomes very easy to believe the condemning lies of Satan the accuser. Someone in your life may even be echoing this same message. The truth is, God is not ignoring you and that is not His voice. He is El Roi: The God who sees “you.” (Genesis 16:13).

Practical Steps for Letting Go of Guilt and Shame

There are steps you can take to let go of guilt and shame about your divorce. Give yourself the time and space to grow and heal by doing the following.

• Evaluate what is and what is not your responsibility. Look truthfully at what you contributed to the demise of your marriage. Whether the percentage is 2% or 90%, seek forgiveness as needed, which includes forgiving yourself. Withholding forgiveness and holding on to regret is not healthy. It hinders healing and exacerbates the pain.

• Assess your feelings of blame. Think critically and be sure you are not taking responsibility for your spouse's choices or bad behavior. You cannot control them. You can only control yourself.

• Let go of past mistakes. You cannot change the past and beating yourself up for wrong choices is a waste of time. What’s done is done.

• Don’t allow others to lay unwarranted guilt and shame at your feet. People can be quick to judge without knowledge of the facts. Remind yourself of the truth and don't accept blame that isn't yours.

• Shift your focus to rebuilding your life. Work on your personal growth. Philippians 1:6 says, "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

• Learn to see yourself through God's eyes. Ephesians 2:10: "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

The journey through divorce takes a toll on you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. So, give yourself time to heal. Be patient with yourself, even if others around you try to push you into things when you aren't ready. Surround yourself with people who understand and who will allow you the time and space you need.

Moving on is a Process

Letting go of guilt and shame is not necessarily a "once and done" process. Satan knows your buttons and he will continue to push them over and over. Revelation 12:10 indicates it is he “who accuses us day in and day out.” Throwing shame, guilt, and regret in your face is his way of keeping you isolated from God. This is why it is so important to understand God's mercy and grace. Seeing yourself through the eyes of God's love will keep you from settling for anything less than who you are in Him.

As you allow God to restore your life, use God's Word to remind yourself of the truth. You are not a second-class Christian, broken and discarded. You belong to God; you have been made whole, and you are redeemed. When you understand this dynamic and the truth of God's grace, guilt and shame will no longer have a place in your life. Move forward to what God has in store for you.

Disclaimer

NEWIM does not provide professional counseling advice. You may need to hire a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling to help you through this time. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional services or care.