CODEPENDENCY

Please note: NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional services or care.

Characteristics, Causes and Cures

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. There are family relationships, work relationships, friend relationships, neighbor relationships and the proverbial love relationships, to name a few. Most of the time, these connections have an interdependent quality. This means both partners respect each other and share an emotional bond, yet keep their own identity. They are close and intertwined but capable of making independent decisions.

Some relationships, however, are out of balance. The partnership is unequal and one person puts the needs of the other above their own. There are poor boundaries and the relationship becomes consuming in unhealthy ways. It's the difference of saying, "You complete me," instead of, "We make a great team." If you can’t operate autonomously, you may be codependent.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is an emotional, spiritual, and behavioral condition that influences a person's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. People with codependency are often in relationships with an unhealthy reliance on another person. It is often one-sided, emotionally harmful and enabling. The term codependency originally referred to the partners of people suffering with substance abuse. But it has branched out to include a variety of other relationship dynamics that can include family members, work environments or caretaking relationships.

In the mental health field, some professionals believe codependency should be considered an official mental illness. However, to date, codependency is neither an officially recognized personality disorder nor an official mental illness. Even so, this psychological disorder exists and can be debilitating. The hyper-vigilant, one-sided relationship is often destructive and dysfunctional for both parties.

Symptoms and Signs of Codependency

Understanding codependency is not easy. Since this condition has not been recognized as an official mental health condition, professionals have not outlined a specific set of diagnostic criteria. There is, however, some general agreement on what codependency usually involves. Some behaviors and actions associated with codependency include:

• A deep-seated need for approval from others

• Chronically accepting more work than is realistic both to earn praise and ease someone’s burden

• A tendency to apologize or take the blame just to keep the peace

• A pattern of avoiding conflict at all costs

• Often minimizing or ignoring your own needs and desires

• Being overly concerned with a loved one’s actions and habits

• Habitually trying to control loved ones by making decisions for them

• Being overly sensitive to another’s feelings, even reflecting theirs instead of yours

• Feelings of guilt when doing something for yourself

• Doing things to make another person happy even when you don’t want to

• Being embarrassed to receive any recognition, praise, or gifts

• Unable to ascertain or ask for what you need or want

• Having poor boundaries

• Having overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment

Examples of Codependency

To help in ascertaining what codependency looks like, the following are some examples:

In a parent-child or child-parent relationship it can involve:

• Doing things for an otherwise capable adult child who can be independent

• Finding a sense of fulfillment/purpose from financially supporting a capable adult child

• Never allowing a child to act independently

• Ignoring or neglecting personal responsibilities and relationships to care for or respond to a parent’s demands

• Allowing parents to control your family after you are married

• Never addressing problems in family relationships

In a romantic relationship it can involve:

• Over-investing energy and time into caring for a partner with an alcohol or substance abuse problem

• Making excuses or covering for the other person's bad behavior

• Neglecting self-care, work, or other relationships to care for your partner

• Enabling a partner's destructive or unhealthy behavior by not setting boundaries

• Not letting your partner take responsibility for their own life

• Not allowing your partner to maintain their independence

• Not feeling safe in a relationship unless you are needed

Causes of Codependency

Codependence is believed to be a learned behavior, usually during childhood. It can develop while growing up in a dysfunctional family or by watching and imitating family members who display codependent behaviors. Some of the dysfunctions in the family of origin environment can include:

• A family member with a substance use disorder, including drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling

• The presence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

• A family member living with a chronic mental or physical illness

In this type of situation, fear, anger, and shame go unacknowledged or even criticized. Thus, children are taught their needs are not important. This belief impacts their emotional health and self-worth. Even more damaging is the fact they may feel the only way to gain attention, safety, approval, or love is by sacrificing themselves for the sake of others.

Substance abuse and codependence can often be linked within a relationship. A person who is codependent may have difficulty with the recovery process for codependency because of a need to help the person with a substance use disorder. Conversely, a person who is codependent lacks the ability to set boundaries and still give appropriate support needed by someone with a substance use disorder. It becomes a vicious circle, requiring help for both parties in order for either to succeed.

Diagnosing Codependency

Unfortunately, there is no official screening or diagnosis for codependency. This is due in part to the fact that many of the traits of codependency overlap with other disorders and mental illnesses. Most of the time, it is best to talk with a medical doctor. They will initiate an assessment and then give a diagnosis or referral to a mental health specialist.

There are, however, several questionnaires available online that can be taken personally. These questionnaires use questions taking the symptoms into consideration. The idea would be that a high number of "yes" answers should raise a red flag for codependence. While these questionnaires may be a starting point, they are not a substitute for an evaluation by a healthcare professional.

If you suspect you may be codependent, book an appointment with your healthcare provider or with a mental health specialist such as a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Because many of the symptoms of codependency are the same or similar to other conditions, your care provider can help you determine an accurate diagnosis.

Treatment

For the most part, medications are generally not used in treating codependency, unless there are co-occurring conditions being treated. Should you begin to believe codependence may be an issue for you, the following are some places to start when seeking treatment:

• Speaking with a licensed mental health practitioner

• Enrolling in counseling with a therapist

• Reading self-help books about codependency

• Talking with trusted friends and family members about codependent relationships

Co-Dependents Anonymous

If your ability to seek treatment is limited due to finances or other obstacles, there is a group similar to the more well-known Alcoholics Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a recovery group in which people who are codependent support each other, work through their treatment together, and gain access to programs. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, CoDA involves 12 steps. The program also includes 12 traditions, 12 promises, and 12 service concepts.

Coping

If you believe that you have codependent tendencies but aren’t sure, there are ways to get an answer before seeking medical help. Following are some things to ponder:

• Look at the signs of codependency and decide if many of them apply to you. While this is not a guaranteed diagnosis, if you are honest with yourself, you will be able to get some clarity.

• Take an honest inventory of the relationship that is troubling. After learning about codependency, examine yourself, your partner, and your relationship for red flags.

• Understand the impact of a codependent relationship on your life: Compare a healthy, dependent relationship to a codependent one. Make note of the positive effects of a healthy, interdependent relationship. Then pinpoint the harmful effects of a codependent one. This can help you realize what you value and want to change.

• Take responsibility. Often it is difficult for a person who is codependent and their enabling partner to take responsibility for their own feelings and shortcomings. It will take some work to take charge of yourself. Remember you can control your own emotions and behaviors apart from your enabling partner. To break the cycle, each partner will need to do the work independently.

• Take time to be alone. Alone time can give you the chance to really get in touch with your feelings. You can reflect, recharge your energy and even practice some healthy self-care. It can also give you a temporary break from intense relationships and allow you to see more clearly your codependent traits.

• Find and read information. Books on codependency can be a great way to gain an understanding of this condition.

Work on the Relationship—or Get Out

The most difficult part of recovering from codependency is changing the unhealthy relationship that keeps you bound. You may even need to leave it altogether. This extends to all codependent relationships in your life, not just romantic ones. Following are suggestions and ways to start:

• Take a break. If possible, take a break from the relationship to focus on yourself for a while. Resist the urge to begin a new romantic relationship right away if you have just ended one.

• Set boundaries. When you pull away from the unhealthy relationship or break it off, resistance from your partner is likely. It may turn toxic. They may be angry, manipulative, and persistent. They may bombard you with calls and texts. Drawing clear boundaries and consistently upholding them sends a powerful message and is very important. You can’t change them, but you can change you and how you respond. At some point, if they can't take responsibility and adjust their behaviors, it will mean the relationship needs to end.

• Practice self-awareness. Just leaving the unhealthy relationship will not "cure" the codependency. You will still have work to do on yourself, either on your own or with the help of a professional. You will also need to be vigilant and even take time before beginning new relationships. Watch for behaviors from your partner that might trigger your past codependent conduct. Be introspective, look for red flags that you are repeating past problematic behaviors, or that your relationship is unbalanced, unhealthy, or not enjoyable.

Conclusion

While in every relationship it is natural to desire to support the people you love and care for, it is also important to draw a clear line between your needs and theirs. Codependency creates a vacuum within you of living for another person instead of yourself. If you suspect you are codependent in any of your relationships and you’re struggling to create positive change, seek professional help. You can break the patterns of codependency. Be honest, take advantage of resources, and start now. Don't wait.

Disclaimer

NEWIM does not provide professional counseling advice. You may need to hire a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling to help you through this time. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional services or care.