Verbal and Emotional Abuse

What Is It? How Does Scripture Address it?

“What are you doing???? Are you stupid???” “You look terrible. Why don’t you lose some weight?” “Don’t laugh so loud.” “If you do that again I’ll knock you head off.” Those are just a few of the things I heard from my husband repeatedly. We were a little over four years into our marriage when he finally stopped hitting me. Yet, the shoving and hurtful words continued. But because the words left no bruises, I didn’t realize it was still abuse.

There is an interesting perception when discussing an unhealthy or destructive relationship with someone. Usually, the first question is: “Was it ever physical?” This is crucial, of course. But too often the conversation stops if the answer to that question is “no.” For whatever reason, physical violence is frequently seen as the only defining factor for an abusive marriage.

Using this as the solitary indicator for a harmful relationship conveys the message that whatever else might be going on is just not that bad. Yet, prolonged emotional and verbal abuse can unequivocally be just that bad.

Because we don’t hear much about this type of abuse, there is a common misconception that it’s not serious. Many people simply aren’t sure what is involved with verbal and emotional abuse. Several different terms are used interchangeably to refer to the same kind of abuse which makes understanding why it is dangerous very complicated. Not only that, there is not one accepted definition for it.

For general purposes, however, emotional abuse can be defined as any behavior that while not physical, includes verbal assaults, aggression, intimidation, manipulation and humiliation. This pattern is used over and over to diminish another person’s sense of worth, dignity and identity.

Another key to understanding emotional abuse is to recognize the difference between it and normal everyday conflict. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. When it is dealt with correctly, it’s a healthy way for two people to express their emotions, identify a problem and then discuss it and bring it to a conclusion.

This is why emotional abuse is not always obvious. The subtleties can often be difficult to detect. Following are some questions to help determine ways you may be being mistreated. One thing to consider, however, is that an isolated occurrence doesn’t necessarily qualify as emotional abuse. When the pattern of interaction becomes a habit and used consistently to control and hurt you, then it becomes destructive and abusive.

• Are you consistently questioned about your decision making or is your thinking challenged? This is to undermine your confidence in your intelligence as if it is not wise, biblical or that you don’t make good choices.

• Is your authority subtly undermined or your credibility questioned? This is often done using your children or other people you know and value. For instance, telling your children, “I know Mom said you can’t watch TV, but she’s just being controlling.” Or saying to friends, “She’s not really that organized and I have to do everything.”

• Does your spouse use subtle jokes that are hurtful and at your expense? There is never an apology and they love laughing at you in front of your kids, your family and even your friends.

• Are your feelings continually ignored or are you shamed and often given a guilt-trip? You can never do anything right and it is always your fault. When you finally get the courage to set a boundary, your spouse suddenly becomes the victim.

• Does your spouse use veiled threats to control you? Phrases like, “Don’t cross me,” or “You’ll be sorry,” can make you fearful. Even worse is a threatening look or body language that is intimidating.

• Does your spouse expect you to be a slave? Many abusers have the mindset that their spouse cannot have their own needs, wants or desires. They believe it is selfish to have a life apart from them.

If you are being emotionally and verbally abused, these are just a sampling of things you may be experiencing. And it can be seriously impacting you as a person. Common effects include:

• Emotional trauma, including PTSD

• Depression and anxiety

• Isolation from family and friends

• Codependency

• Lack of confidence and a feeling of worthlessness

From a Christian perspective, many women are often told emotional abuse isn’t really abuse and God doesn’t address it in the Bible. Some even believe God condones abuse in a husband-wife relationship. While the words “emotional abuse” are not used in the Bible, God does address the characteristics and traits of it. These include verbal assaults, judgment, superiority, threats, insults, non-verbal rejection, neglect and isolation.

• Proverbs 6:16-19 “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” This verse lists several behaviors common to abusers. Haughty eyes (proud look), lying tongue (gaslighting), heart devising wicked plans (unloving actions), and sowing discord (critical statements to friends and family). And God hates it.

• Proverbs 12:18(a) “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts. . .” Using words to verbally and emotionally abuse is described as the equivalent of being stabbed with a knife. And that makes it extremely harmful.

• James 1:26 “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” In this verse James indicates someone who uses their words to abuse is a fraud and their faith is worthless. Very strong words for an emotional abuser.

• Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” God knows how destructive emotional abuse can be.

• Proverbs 27:3 “A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” In this verse the word translated as “provocation” can mean “unmerited treatment.” Emotional abuse absolutely fits this description and our Lord validates how crushing it can be.

These are just a few of the scriptures where God refers to characteristics of emotional abuse. However, the passage describing the attributes and actions of real love in 1 Corinthians 13 makes it most obvious emotional abuse is wrong. First, love is described as patient and kind; it keeps no record of wrongs, is not rude or selfish, is without pride and not resentful. Yet, emotional abuse is just the opposite of all of these qualities.

In reality, abuse perverts the image of a God who is nurturing and sustaining. And in creating the marriage relationship, God intended it to be a place of respect and protection. According to God’s definition of love, there is no room for emotional abuse to be silently tolerated. And love does not require someone to overlook it and just persevere.

Abusing someone emotionally and verbally is not the behavior of someone who is walking in fellowship with the Lord. In reality, their heart is committed only to self instead of God. Even though the abuser may not look like an abuser to the outside world, God sees the abuse done in private. Whoever mocks the poor insults his Maker; he who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished. (Proverbs 17:5)

God does not intend for his children to go through emotional abuse. Jesus taught that the greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, souls and mind. The second greatest commandment is – to love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:37-39) This teaches us that God expects us to love and care for ourselves. Allowing yourself to be emotionally abused does not fulfill God’s command.

Following are some suggestions and a place to start in taking care of yourself if you are being emotionally abused:

• Rediscover Your Worth to God through His Word. One of the results of emotional abuse is low self-esteem. It strips you of your confidence and joy, makes you anxious and confused, and robs you of your identity. Replacing the verbally abusive messages with the truth of God’s word is the best place to start. 1 John 4:9-10. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

• Set Boundaries. Your abuser does not own you, no matter how they act. While you can’t change them, you can choose to calmly and firmly set boundaries to stop the havoc on your life. For instance, decisively say “I won’t listen when you speak to me this way.” Then either leave the room or put your earbuds on and listen to music. Be consistent in voicing your opposition to the mistreatment and then take action to remove yourself from the situation.

• Enlist Help. This can be an important step in dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship. But be selective and filter any advice you receive through prayer and seeking God’s leading. Any guidance which suggests someone must submit to abuse is not based on God’s truth. Joining a support group where you can interact with others going through the same thing can be a safe environment for support.

Going forward, there is no easy solution to remaining in or leaving an abusive situation. While no explicit instructions for victims of abuse are given in the Bible, there are verses that address God’s views of the perpetrators. Psalm 11:5 says God hates those who love violence. 1 Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to be considerate of their wives and to respect them. And Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Even though there are instances of abuse noted in the Bible, God does not validate it, and he advocates for those who are oppressed. He is after all, a God of justice.

From a biblical perspective, it is clear God does not endorse a marriage promise that is violated by abuse. In fact, emotional abuse can be considered unfaithfulness to the marriage vows. Yet, many continue to struggle and feel conflicted as to whether or not they have a biblical release from an abusive relationship. Gary Thomas, the author of Sacred Marriage answers any doubts in his article; Enough is Enough. He states:

“God loves people more than he loves institutions… Our loyalty to marriage

is good and noble and true. But when loyalty to a relational structure allows

evil to continue it is a false loyalty, even an evil loyalty.”

Emotional abuse should be called what it is, evil. Ephesians 5:11 says, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” While as Christians we are expected to respond to sin with a certain level of grace and love, evil should never, under any circumstances, be tolerated. And that includes in the marriage relationship.

Disclaimer

NEWIM does not provide legal or counseling advice. You may need to seek a professional and competent attorney who is well-versed in family law to provide advice for your specific case. You may also need to seek a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes.