My Conductor

Several years ago, I attended a concert, a community band comprised of accomplished musicians who simply enjoyed playing, with a friend. I was blessed by the music, but something else spoke deeply to my heart throughout the evening. I saw in this band a picture of our lives with the Lord.

The musicians, seated in their positions on the stage, each warming up and preparing their instruments. Wind instruments were assembled. Basses tuned. Percussion instruments adjusted to the right tone. Cymbals hung on a rack, ready to be used. Music stands adjusted. Random notes played, each individually warming up, creating a clamor of noise.

Then, the conductor walked onto the stage. Immediately, the orchestra was silent and still. Eyes locked on the maestro, his eyes sweeping from side to side, making contact with those before him. The rise of his baton brought the rise of the instruments. The musicians’ eyes still locked on their conductor. At his cue, the music began.

Each musician intently looked at the music before them, not just reading it but allowing it to direct their every movement. They weren’t distracted; they didn’t look around at anything else. They kept their eyes only on the music and the maestro. They weren’t looking at the audience, though they were aware of them.

This wasn’t new to them. Years of practice had prepared them for this time.

They didn’t compare themselves with others in jealousy. What if the percussionist wanted to play as much as the trombone? Can you imagine the chaos if the cymbals played constantly? The beautiful music flowed from a group united in purpose and focus and willing to do their specific part. What if one, even once, had decided he didn’t like that song and decided to play one he liked instead? Can you imagine how it would have ruined the music?

I see such a beautiful description of our lives with the Lord in this picture. He is the conductor, the maestro, and the one who wrote the music and created the song for our lives. He’s written it out, note by note, for us to follow. The Bible contains everything we need for the beautiful music, the plan he has for our lives. And as our eyes are locked on him, our focus solely on his lead, we know what to do, when to do it, following the notes he’s written, glancing up at him to maintain the rhythm. Being content to play the part he’s given us, not jealous of another’s instrument. Being surrendered to play the music before me, not thinking I have another song that I’d rather be playing. Joining my little part with those around me, working together under the direction of the Master, creating music that brings joy to his ears, and touches the lives of those who hear.

Playing my life to an audience of one. And recognizing that others are also watching and listening.

Healing Comes

Over the course of the past 13 years, I’ve worked as a pastor in several different churches around the Bay Area. I earned my Master of Divinity to be qualified to do so, but in some ways, this was never the plan. Growing up, I always thought I would serve overseas, probably in China, and homeschool my kids, because that would be my only option.  

So, when I got into church ministry, I chafed at it. I longed to be set loose, to be freed up to minister at large - to anybody and everybody. Every time I took on a new role and was handed a stack of business cards, something within me sensed, “This isn’t how I’m supposed to serve.”

In this present season, in which I’m not pastoring through a local congregation, I find myself ministering in more organic ways in our neighborhood, through friendships at my children’s school, and in our city. Recently, I’ve found some other ways of ministering, through hospice chaplaincy and spiritual direction, that feel much more authentic and truer to who I am and how God made me to be.

I want to share a moment I had a few weeks ago at Silver Oaks Memory Care in Menlo Park, visiting a new patient of mine. In that moment, suddenly the veil lifted, and for a brief time, everything came together for me. I felt so deeply loved and cared for by God and by an unexpected patient of mine in a profound and beautiful way.

This patient, who I’ll call Dee, could actually talk to me. Many of my hospice patients have dementia or Alzheimer’s, and some are so close to passing that they’re no longer able to communicate.  They can barely lift their heads; they must stay in bed, and they require a lot of support for daily living. 

But Dee could comprehend that I was her spiritual care chaplain, part of her healthcare team, and she understood what I was there to do. So, after I got her situated in her wheelchair in her shared room, tucking one shawl around her shoulders, and tucking another shawl around her tummy to keep her hands warm, she jumped right in.

“When I feel afraid, I talk to Jesus,” she told me. She looked at me with her clear blue eyes, words simple and straightforward.

“Oh! That’s wonderful,” I said. “Tell me more!”

“He looks right at me.”

Playfully, I asked her, “Out of curiosity, what color are his eyes?”

“Blue,” she told me.

My heart laughed, but I understood, so I continued, “And what does he say when you talk to him?”  I kept my tone light, but she responded with an earnestness that disarmed me.

“He says, ‘Do not worry. Everything will be okay. Your mom is doing well, and she wants you to know that.’”

As we continued talking, Dee told me what she could about her life, her parents, her husband, and her children. At points when her memory would fail, she would simply tell me she didn’t know the answer to my question.

Were her parents kind to her? Her mom was.

What was her husband like? Kind … sometimes.

How many children did she have? Two … or maybe 4. (We decided she must have had two, then after they got married, she must have felt she had 4!)

As I felt our time drawing to a close, I said to her: “There’s a Bible verse that says, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.’ (Romans 10:15) You’ve brought me such good news in how you’ve described your faith to me. Could I lay my hands on your beautiful feet as I pray for you?”  She readily agreed.

I sat down on the carpet in front of her, but her feet were enclosed in fuzzy peach slippers. So, I put my hands on her ankles. They felt cold to my touch, but they warmed up as I held them and prayed. I began praying for her, praying for her to be able to shed the sadness that she’d experienced in her lifetime. I prayed for her to continue to lift her concerns up to Jesus because he cared for her.

Suddenly, I felt something stir deep within me: a subtle awareness of the disconnect between what I was praying for her and what I was personally experiencing in my own life. I felt so convicted that I needed to do what I was praying for her to be able to do. I needed to shed all the sadness I’d been carrying around from my decade-long career as a pastor that never quite fit right. I needed to shed my burdens from my past, my preoccupations over the future, my perpetual unease with my present.

I must have stopped praying – because I suddenly felt Dee place her gentle hand on the top of my head.  The roles unexpectedly reversed, and tears broke forth – from me. Something within me dislodged, and I couldn’t continue. I couldn’t keep praying through the tears. So, my patient started praying for me.  Her voice comforted me, and now it was her words that reassured me.  I was now the care recipient, and her soft voice spoke similar sentiments to what I’d just expressed. Except now she repeated the words Jesus’ said to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. You’re okay. God loves you. You can trust him.”

I honestly can’t remember exactly what she said, and I don’t know how long she prayed, or I cried. But I can tell you how I felt—like this chaplaincy work had been set up for my healing, and this was the work for me in this season. These patients were part of my healing, my restoration, and my experience of forgiveness.

God meant me to be there for them as much as he meant them to be there for me.

I cried harder than I expected, and she just kept stroking my hair, so gently. And touching my shoulders, just like I imagine my own grandmother would do if she lived nearby.

My tears ended somehow, and I wiped my eyes. I wrapped up our prayer time, with a softer voice, humbly thanking God from my heart for this powerful exchange and profound encounter. I opened my eyes at the end and looked straight up into Dee’s face, smiling into her blue eyes. I simply thanked her for ministering to me.

I gave her a hug and told her I’d come visit next month. I would bring my violin, and we could talk and pray together again.

I know that when I do, there will be mutual ministry between us, once again.  And in the meantime, great belovedness.

Tina grew up on Long Island, New York, in an intergenerational home of ethnically Chinese parents raised in Taiwan. After studying English literature at Harvard College, she went on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and served the multi-ethnic chapter for 6 years. In this capacity, she also ministered to the broader community as one of the Harvard Chaplains. 

Over the course of 12 years of local church ministry in the Bay Area, she ministered in a variety of ways as she completed her Master of Divinity at Fuller Theological Seminary. She has served as a pastor overseeing life groups, outreach, and discipleship.  She has also had significant seasons serving as an interim pastor in various contexts.  

As a wife and involved mother of three elementary-aged children, she is now focusing on the ministry of spiritual direction and serving the broader community as a chaplain. She loves to write, play volleyball, and puzzle with friends. She has benefitted greatly from several NEWIM retreats during her years of service, including the Writers' Getaway. Listen to her experience here.

Connect with her at christinetenghenson@gmail.com.

Sacred Rhythms

Betsy Stowe and I are excited to share Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. This book is designed to help you “arrange your life around a regular pattern of spiritual practices that God can use to nourish your soul and transform your life.” As you engage with the Lord through the practices and “open yourself to the presence of God in the places of your being where your truest desires and deepest longings stir,” you will hopefully experience a deeper relationship with God.

After completing a 10-month Spiritual Formation Cohort with NEWIM in partnership with the Fuller Center for Spiritual Formation, Betsy and I felt called to offer a Zoom book discussion of Sacred Rhythms. We learned through our Cohort that community is a crucial part of our formation so we invited women to journey with us in learning how “to open ourselves to God’s transforming love and the changes only God can bring about in our lives.” Eight women from across the country joined us in community for six sessions over Zoom. We practiced these spiritual rhythms, and God met us in our place of seeking.

We looked at the disciplines Ruth Haley Barton says, “are basic components of the rhythms of intimacy with God that feed and nourish the soul, keeping us open and available for God’s surprising initiatives in our lives.”
 
Our discussions encouraged the women to share their hearts’ longings for more and provided opportunities for each of us to create conditions where transformation could take place. It helped us develop and learn to maintain a rhythm of spiritual practices that keep us open and available to God. We created space for God through solitude. We encountered God through Lectio Divina. We learned how prayer can deepen our intimacy with God. Self-examination helped us see ourselves more clearly and discernment helped us to become attuned to the presence of God so we could align ourselves more completely with God’s will and purposes. Through learning about sabbath, we explored ways to establish a rhythm of work and rest. The rule of life challenged us to cultivate rhythms for spiritual formation going forward and how to order our life with what is true and good.
 
We prayed this book would whet the appetites of the women to delve more deeply into these practices and ask the Lord where he wanted them to begin their transformational journey with him. We shared our longings, experiences, challenges, heartaches, and questions that lingered in our hearts. We were able to listen and support each other’s desire for more of God by paying attention to the movement of God in our lives through these disciplines. We prayed for one another and encouraged each other by sharing testimonies of God’s faithfulness. Journeying together through spiritual practices opened opportunities for spiritual growth and transformation.

If you want to understand yourself more fully in your relationship with God, Betsy and I highly encourage you to pick up a copy of Sacred Rhythms and “open yourself up to God’s transforming love and the change that only God can bring about in our lives.”

Jill served on the NEWIM board for ten years and on the Arizona Springs Retreat team for three years. She was a small group mentor for the first NEWIM-Fuller spiritual formation cohort. She has also written and facilitated NEWIM’s Guided Silent Retreats.

Currently, Jill is the Coordinator of the Prayer Ministry in her Ft. Collins, CO, church and is involved in Women’s Ministry where she has led nine silent retreats.  She regularly meets with her spiritual director and meets with others for spiritual mentoring.

Betsy is a gifted vocalist and leads the worship at The Springs—Central California and NEWIM’s retreats for pastors’ wives.

Betsy has been a pastor's wife for many years and recently retired from being the Director of Women's Ministries at Living Hope Christian Fellowship in Oakdale, California.

What Will Your Legacy Be?

Since Mother’s Day, I have been considering the importance of leaving a legacy. What exactly is a legacy? Webster's dictionary defines it as “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.” In a biblical sense, a legacy impacts future generations by leaving behind wisdom, wealth, or a testimony about God that makes a difference long after you're gone. Psalm 78:2-7 tells us the importance of leaving a legacy: “I will utter hidden things, things from of old, things we have heard and known, things our ancestors have told us. We will not hide them from their descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done…so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they, in turn, would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.” 

There are numerous examples of individuals throughout the Bible that have left legacies for future generations. Their examples of faith, perseverance, courage, and love for God are left to inspire us. 

When I think about biblical legacy, I think about Anna, a prophetess who worshipped God and left a powerful legacy of devotion to God. Anna's testimony is one of resilience and unwavering faith. At a young age, she experienced the profound loss of her husband, yet she chose to make the temple her home. The depth of her commitment to God, even in the face of such sorrow, is a testament to her faith and devotion. At the age of 84, she was still serving the Lord and praying "night and day." Still worshipping. Still serving. She witnessed something extraordinary because of her faithfulness and perseverance in prayer and fasting.

While writing my thoughts about Anna, I think of my mom who faced so many challenges as a single mom. My father left her abruptly when my siblings were all under the age of five. Despite the many struggles she went through to care for us, she lived a life of devotion and worship to the Lord. As with Anna, my mom never stopped sharing and telling others of the goodness of the Lord. She left a legacy for my siblings and me to treasure and to imitate. 

No matter where we are (singles, wives, moms, widows, grandparents), as believers we also have the privilege of leaving a legacy for others by worshiping the Lord and sharing the good news. The Christ-Child Anna was waiting for, lived, died, was buried, and rose again. He promised to send the Comforter, who has come, and he empowers all of us to tell our stories of redemption and leave our legacy.

Deborah was introduced to NEWIM when a friend invited her to the online book club. She loved the discussion and saw the benefits of getting more involved in NEWIM for her own life and for her church ministry. She recently enjoyed the Santa Cruz Springs Retreat.

Deborah is a pastor’s wife from Westchester, NY. She is a retired nutritionist, an aspiring writer, and Women’s Ministry leader.