Canceling Church Canceling

Hi, I’m Nancy. A church staff canceled me. I loved ministering at this church for many years and never would have dreamed something like this would happen to me. But it did. After several months of going through turmoil, I finally escaped. There was no way I could stay there! I saw the cancel writing on the wall. Before long, my “canceling” wasn’t just among some of the staff, it passed on to numerous church members who wouldn’t talk with me, which hurt even more. I’ll never forget the pain of being hurt by the church. It pushes me to despise the modern church cancel culture. Whether you’re on church staff or a church member, I’m challenging you to be different! I’m pleading with you to join me in canceling our church cancel culture. 

What does an unexpected exit look like? 

Uncounted church staff have left their positions battered, bruised, and broken. The departure details are held quiet, often only the subject of rumors. The canceled staff, as a matter of loving the body they are being canceled from, usually do not publicize what’s happening on Twitter or call out the church. They just hurt quietly, sometimes for years. Most church people don’t understand we lose our jobs and a church family—a family we love dearly and were loved by. All at once, we’re disillusioned and defeated. Our dreams, focus, and support system have all been canceled.  

My particular story took place some years back. While the pain has lessened, I doubt it will ever entirely go away. After many years of success and thriving, watching God successfully use me in his ministry, things changed in a heartbeat. A few months after I received a glowing evaluation, I got a new boss. He told me I had a conflict issue. He established a new narrative about me and nothing could change it. I knew he didn’t like me and seemed unusually insecure around me. But never did I think he’d go to such lengths to undercut my credibility. 

All at once, I had no voice. My role on the leadership team was no longer recognized. I instantly felt some of the staff treat me differently. I was told I needed to see a counselor, selected by the pastor, and paid for by the church. Then I was asked if I could pay for the counseling from my insurance. As time passed, this same counselor eventually decided to share her findings with several church staff who were not on the confidentiality form. I confronted the counselor, and I was immediately “fired” by her! Nothing was ever said again about counseling. 

What are the effects of church canceling? 

Canceling severs the church family- Christ designed the church to be a family. Because of Christ, we can have oneness and unity that is beautiful! When you’re on a church staff, your church home is complicated. It’s your job and your church family! As a single woman, I was so blessed by both! But the two (being on staff and church family) can get intertwined and messy. So, when the painful time comes, and I needed to leave the church, I also was leaving my church family. Leaving my job was hard enough, but losing some of my precious friends stung deeply. 

Canceling hides what really happened. To see my story from the outside looking in, you’d think I had a lovely exit from the church staff. Nice parties. Kind words. Gracious gifts. One gift stands out… Pink Ariet cowboy boots. They sat in my closet for a few years, and I couldn’t wear them. (I wear boots almost 365 days of the year!) What was wrong? Those boots represented the pain and verbal abuse I endured from several elders. I couldn’t wear them. Before long, my boots got a new home at Goodwill. I hope the new boot owner can freely enjoy them! 

Canceling is not God’s way- Journey through Scripture with me for a moment. In Luke 15:11-32, the loving Father welcomes the prodigal with open arms, despite his rebellion. Do you have a person like the prodigal in your church, or did he never return? I would love to return to my church for many reasons, but I’m not sure I can go again. Although the Corinthian church chose all sorts of incorrect paths, Paul never stopped loving them. Rather, he loved them so much that he warned them that he was either coming in love or with a stick. (1 Corinthians 4:21) 

Take a look at the final greetings of many of Paul’s epistles. I see a ton of encouragement. I see Paul blessing those in the churches. I see reminders to his friends. I know the importance of staying in touch. I see him sending greetings to those in the ministry. I see prayers on their behalf and blessings.  

It would feel so wonderful to me if I could hear words like what Paul wrote about John Mark when he said, “Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you because he is helpful to me in ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:11) If you remember, Paul and Barnabas had a feud over John Mark because Paul didn’t think he was reliable. But Paul didn’t cancel Barnabas or John Mark! He reconciled with them and saw their worth. 

So many of us are written off, as if dumped in the garbage, never to be seen again. For me, the pastors didn’t care to reach out. Few said goodbye. I was part of the receiving end of the cancel culture before the cancel culture was cool. But I say, let’s cancel the cancel culture. Let’s choose to love, truly love, permanently. Let’s cancel canceling! 

How could the church do better? 

Stop the judgments. Since leaving that church, God opened my eyes to how I’ve judged people. Being on the receiving end of judgment changed everything! It just killed. I wanted nothing to do with dishing it out and had to repent to God for the countless ways I have judged people. I don’t believe believers today even realize how quickly we judge other people. It’s a sickness that must be dealt with. And guess what? Judging people becomes even more natural as you age. Trust me. 

Years ago, my husband and I began working in a prison ministry. Over time, we learned how to share agape love with the brothers in white. We never asked what they had done to warrant their prison sentence. We lavished them with love like many had never seen. We acknowledged them with dignity, kindness, acceptance, and love. We wrote letters encouraging them. It was through that ministry I realized a different way. We let them know that “We’re ALL the church,” and we want them to be a part of the church regardless of their past. They are not canceled. 

How you treat people, talk about people, and love people matters. Your church can have all the latest and greatest church goals, plans, and visions. But, if you don’t love people, you’re nothing but a clanging symbol. And clanging symbols don’t sound so good after all. 

Learn to love well those who leave. Pastors, have you and your leaders crafted a plan to help people exit well? It’s not so much about giving them gifts and throwing a nice party that matters. Loving matters. 

Unexpected exits are tough for the staff and the staff person leaving. If you’re a pastor, it’s up to you to manage their exit with grace and dignity. Picture yourself like Paul. Read through the epistles and prayerfully consider crucial imperatives for helping a person leave as well as possible. Truly care about them. Be determined not to cancel them. Plot out some future dates on your calendar to connect with them. One simple caring text could mean the world to someone. Praying for them changes your attitude about them. The ex-staff person may still be upset with you, but you initiate with them and love them well. 

Fellow church peeps, how do you love those in the body of Christ well, especially those who leave? Are you a part of the gossip train? Do you freely judge others on social media or quietly among a few? Do you cancel people out of your life? 1 Peter 1:22 says, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” God has called each of us to “love one another deeply from the heart.” When our hearts are purified from all earthly affections and selfish desires, we can love one another with the Holy Spirit’s help. Did you know we are called to love all our brothers and sisters in Christ? For me, my prayer is that I can love others deeply from the heart in word and deed. I am compelled to be different! 

How has the unexpected exit changed me? 

This unexpected exit shook me to the core. Being canceled felt worse than being called wrong! Once I stepped out of church ministry, I had a hard time feeling safe in any church. No matter what church we tried, it wasn’t right. I was attempting to cancel church myself! Thankfully, God has done some deep healing. Today, I love our church and enjoy serving there. 

Exiting this church was by far one of the most painful things in my life. But I like who I’m becoming. I’m more me. I’m way more desperate for Jesus. I can’t start my day without prayer and time in the Word. I hunger for godly wisdom. A special bonus? A few years after this “forced” move, I met my husband! God can do just about anything. He did mean it for good. 

In the early 90’s, Nancy loved the connections and encouragement she found in NEWIM while she served in her role in women’s ministry in southern California.  She is thrilled to reconnect and recently found NEWIM again! Nancy has served in women’s ministry in California, Illinois, and Texas. She also spent many years speaking to singles at Intimate Issues Conferences with Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. Early in her career, she served at the Dallas Metropolitan YMCA, developing senior adult programs. Currently, she is the Chaplain of the YMCA of Greater San Antonio.  

Nancy loves encouraging, praying, and giving hope to women. Nancy and Ben have been married for 13 years and truly love their life in the Texas Hill Country. They enjoy biking, kayaking, hiking, and attending San Antonio Spurs games. Their English Springer, Chara, serves as a Canine for Christ therapy dog. Nancy spends a lot of time riding and showing her reining horse, Daisy, who somehow must serve as a “spiritual discipline” for bringing refreshment to her soul. 

Say hello to Nancy at Nancya@ymcasatx.org. 

This article is adapted from Nancy Abbott's previous article that first appeared on ChristianityToday.com on September 22, 2020. Used by permission of Scott McKnight (Jesus Creed Blog) and Christianity Today, Carol Stream, IL.