Forgiveness is a Process
Kim Bagato
Judy couldn’t imagine finding women’s clothes that didn’t belong to her under their bed one more time. Her husband sometimes dressed up as a woman and went out late at night. How could she forgive him?
Lindy found a text message on her husband’s phone from a woman she didn’t know. She misses him? Wanting to throw his phone at him, she asked, “What are you doing with this woman and why does she miss you?”
Susan woke in the middle of the night to see a light on in her husband’s office. She wandered by the doorway and saw he was viewing pornography on his computer. Heartbroken, she asked him, “Why are you doing this? Why can’t you stop?”
These are a glimpse into stories I’ve heard from women betrayed by their husbands. How can they forgive what seems unforgivable?
Forgiveness is a Gift
Each woman recognized forgiveness is a gift. It is a gift from our Savior Jesus Christ. He forgave us by suffering pain and shame and dying on the cross for our sins before we ever knew him. He gave and forgave all.
As we receive this immense forgiveness, we can also imitate Christ and be forgivers. We have the power to extend forgiveness to others with the same forgiveness we receive from the Lord. It sounds simpler than it is sometimes.
I see in scripture that forgiveness is a two-step process with no specific timeline. It’s not a one-and-done kind of thing. I’ve ministered to hurting women for more than a decade and have seen forgiveness be both a point of struggle and a place of freedom.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32
First Step of Forgiveness
According to Ephesians 4:31, the first step of forgiveness begins when we, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Carrying unforgiveness has proven to adversely impact our lives physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet most of us cannot forgive in an instant. We need to acknowledge, understand, express, and get rid of these hard feelings and our need to pay someone back or make them suffer for the pain they’ve caused us. This is especially hard when we are hurt by those closest or most trusted in our lives.
Author and leader of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst, knows the pain of marital betrayal and writes, “Forgiveness is both a decision and a process. We make the decision to forgive for the facts of what happened. Then we start the process of forgiving for the impact all of this has had on us. Each step is crucial and none of it is easy. I can resist it. And I can delay it. I can even run a million miles away from it. But forgiveness really is the only thing that uncomplicates my blinding pain and helps me see beautiful again.”
Second Step of Forgiveness
Look again at Ephesians 4:32: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
We forgive because we have been forgiven by Christ. Judy, Lindy, and Susan understood and received God’s forgiveness for their sins which gave them the ability to forgive their husbands, even the ones who filed for divorce. Offering forgiveness freed these women from carrying the heavy burden of resentment and anger any longer. Forgiveness takes time, so be patient with yourself, even if someone is demanding you to forgive them. Forgiving someone doesn’t guarantee they’ll change their behavior. Forgiveness lifts your burden.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It sounds simpler than it is in real life. We’d like to accept Christ’s forgiveness and wish ill on the ones who hurt us. The Lord will guide and protect you as you receive and extend forgiveness. One way I find helpful is by reading and meditating on scriptures about forgiveness. I’ve included a few below. You may want to focus on just one at a time as you pray through this two-step process of forgiving.
Prayer
Lord, I choose to lay down my right to feel bitter toward the one who has hurt me. This pain of resentment is eating me up inside. I invite your Spirit to heal my heart and mind. Give me strength to release bitterness, rage, anger, and hurt and to focus on what is true, right, pure, admirable, and praiseworthy. Those are the things I want to think about. Thank you for your forgiveness and grace which is the only way I am able to forgive others. Amen.
Forgiveness Scriptures
Psalm 130:4 “But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.”
Psalm 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Ephesians 1:7 “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.”
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
Resources
Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life Thats Beautiful Again by Lysa TerKeurst
It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst
Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness by Fred Luskin (Director and Cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project)