If Your Marriage in Crisis
Kim Johnson
Divorce rates have been climbing and Christian marriages are not exempt. What happens if your marriage is the one in crisis? When a woman is invested in working alongside her pastor-husband, is part of a pastoral staff, or is in another leadership position, the pressures of the calling can leave little strength to devote to her own relationships. So, what can you do if you find your marriage in crisis?
The Struggles are Real
Serving Jesus in a ministry role is an honor and a privilege. The joys experienced are many and no one questions that. Yet, when you know your marriage is drowning, it can feel just the opposite and the fear can be paralyzing.
Will my husband understand if I confront him about his lack of devotion?
How would the congregation handle it if they find out our marriage is in trouble?
What will seeking marriage counseling do to my reputation as a leader or staff pastor?
Would it become a stumbling block to someone if I go to counseling?
How are we going to afford it when we already live paycheck to paycheck?
Church members often idolize their pastors and their families, and think they are perfect. Yet, the reality of everyday life is often far from ideal. There are unspoken truths that create a vacuum. The fear of exposure makes it difficult for us to reach out when our marriage is in trouble.
Expectations are high. There is a flawed perception that pastors, their wives, those on a church staff or in leadership have it all together. You know, like there is some mysterious divine force field that keeps them from experiencing the same difficulties as regular people in the world. With that opinion, how would they handle it if they knew your marriage was struggling?
Keeping up Appearances. This can be an insidious part of being in ministry. Those in a leadership position can feel they must appear to have it all together. After all, there is an example to maintain, so admitting your life is anything less than perfect is not an option.
Money can be tight. Another unfortunate component of ministry is a low salary. Even with a degree under your belt, churches often underpay employees. So, even if you would love to see a counselor, you may not be able to afford it.
Time is a premium. Caring for the needs of a congregation in any way can be all-consuming. Add to that the demands of being a wife and mother, and your plate is full to overflowing. With limited time to invest in your marriage, seeking help through counseling can feel out of the question.
What Do You Do?
It is an unfortunate reality that many books and programs deal with strengthening marriage, but few explore the unique circumstances that often occur in the relationship of couples in the ministry. So, what can you do if you (a pastor’s wife, woman on staff, or in leadership) are the one who needs help with your marriage?
This is the most important, yet most difficult question to answer. The solutions are not easy, nor are they black and white. Each situation and person is different. However, the following are some suggestions that may give you a place to start in dealing with your marriage crisis:
Find someone you trust to talk to
Admit to yourself that your marriage is in trouble. This doesn’t mean pointing fingers and laying blame. Instead, it means being truthful with yourself. Sometimes half the battle is just recognizing and acknowledging something is not right. Only then can you begin to determine a course of action. (Proverbs 28:13)
Pray, Pray, Pray. Seeking God’s wisdom and discernment is crucial. No matter what happens or how the situation turns out, this will be key to your handling whatever is going to come. God is the one who knows you and your situation best. So, put him in charge and keep your eyes on him (James 1:5).
Control expectations and perceptions. The journey to repairing a marriage can be long. Be open to seeing the reality, good or bad (Psalm 62:5).
Find someone you trust to talk to. This will be tricky, as sometimes your family or friends are not the ones who will give you good advice or clear direction. Ask God to show you if you need to seek professional counseling (Proverbs 19:20).
Let the Journey Begin
The best place to begin working on your marriage is to focus on the one thing you can control—YOU. This doesn’t mean that making the marriage work is only your responsibility. Your spouse is just as accountable. But you will not be able to control his response or change him. You can only control your attitude, your actions, and your decisions.
Consider using Peter & Geri Scazzero’s books: Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day by Day (a 40-day journey to deeply change your relationships) and the accompanying workbook, Emotionally Healthy Relationships (comes with links to their videos) by Peter & Geri Scazzero. They provide spiritual encouragement and also the words to say as you enter into difficult conversations. If you are looking for very practical ways to improve your relationships with others, including your husband, check out these resources.
This journey may be long and difficult. After all, the problems in many marriages are far more complicated than arguing over where to hang a picture. While a positive outcome is not guaranteed, God does promise to give us grace, wisdom, strength, and discernment. So, pray, be prepared, and be patient.
Most of all, know you are not alone. There are leaders in NEWIM who have walked this road and understand the struggle. If you would like to connect with someone confidentially, please contact us at 408-218-8225 or email us at prayer@newim.org. NEWIM doesn’t offer marriage counseling or professional advice, but we will listen and pray.