How can we work with the Holy Spirit to cultivate patience? Certainly, we can count to ten, we can take deep breaths, we can write all about it in our journal, we can rehearse in our minds a favorite verse of Scripture, we can go for a jog, or we can take some advice from Frozen and just “let it go.”

I loved my “let it go” folder at work. I could jot down a situation that was driving me nuts and then file it. Drop it in the drawer and let it go. Sometimes that was the best I could do. There was no possibility of working it through. I just needed to walk away.

But if we care about the relationship and find ourselves stuck, perhaps there’s something more we could do. If we can shift our perception of the situation we might feel more compassion. Are we seeing things correctly? Have we listened long enough to really understand what’s motivating the behavior we find so infuriating? Stephen Covey tells a story you’ve probably heard about an incident on a subway…

I was riding a subway on Sunday morning in New York. People were sitting quietly, reading papers, or resting with eyes closed. It was a peaceful scene. Then a man and his children entered the subway car. The man sat next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to his children, who were yelling, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers.

I couldn’t believe he could be so insensitive. Eventually, with what I felt was unusual patience, I turned and said, “Sir, your children are disturbing people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if he saw the situation for the first time. “Oh, you’re right,” he said softly, “I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Suddenly, I saw things differently. And because I saw differently, I felt differently. I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior. My heart filled with compassion. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

Covey’s story sheds light on how to become more patient: How we perceive a situation automatically changes how we feel, which then shapes our behavior. His insight is that the way we “see” automatically influences the way we “feel,” which in turn automatically influences the way we “act.” Initially, the guy is a clueless father letting his kids run wild. This perception makes Covey feel impatient. Then he hears how his wife just died and everything changes. Instead of seeing the man as a bad dad, now he’s a grieving husband. Instead of indignation, Covey feels compassion. Patience emerges.

As I’ve tried to stop trusting I know what motivates someone, I’ve had to stay engaged, ask more questions (which is not the same stance as ‘confront the person’). I’ve needed to listen to understand, not to criticize or blame. The kids are doing the best they can given all they are dealing with.

Patience follows compassion. Sometimes, however, unlike the dad in the story, people aren’t good. Their motives really do stink. And then what? If it’s not time to call HR, perhaps we have to forgive them one more time. Then we get to learn patience while we wait for the Lord.

Is something or someone driving you crazy, but there’s no chance to change the situation? See if you can find a reason to be compassionate. Or, pray for strength, write it down, and drop it in the file. Or both. Ultimately, we have to learn to let it go.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19)